When I was in my mid-twenties, I suddenly and inexplicably began to go blind in my right eye. A battery of tests conferred a likely diagnosis of multiple sclerosis, and at twenty-six I was looking at the possibility of blindness, incontinence, impotence, disability, and death. My world came into sharp focus, and through intensive changes in diet, the extensive use of acupuncture and energy work, and a redoubled focus on my life, I regained my eyesight and was symptom-free until the summer of 2009, just before I began work on this book.

I developed numbness in both of my legs at the beginning of the summer, and had to fly out to meet Kelly at a Zen center in Massachusetts to begin interviewing him. Mary, his partner, treated me with acupuncture, and I made a steady recovery over the course of the summer. That fall we all attended a weekend retreat in Boulder, and afterward four of us went out to dinner.

We were eating in a swanky upstairs restaurant overlooking Pearl Street, one of Kelly’s favorite places to eat because it featured local and organic foods. Our companions were in a conversation across the table, and Kelly leaned in close to me.

“How’s your body?” he asked, conspiratorially.

“Pretty good,” I said, taking a sip of my ale. “Numbness has gone away. I’m feeling like my old self again. Neurologist thinks the numbness might have actually been related to a long motorcycle ride, and not the MS. MRI results were mixed, but…”

Kelly nodded. “That’s good, Kogen.” (Kogen, pronounced like Logan, is the spiritual name he gave me half a year before.)

“But look,” I said, “If it comes down to it, I’ll teach Kung Fu from a wheelchair. I’ll come to sesshins with a cane. It won’t stop me.”

Kelly smiled at me. “I know that. You’d be all the more powerful for it.”

“And besides,” I said, with a false sense of confidence, ”If it gets too bad, I’m not into suffering. I’ll take myself out of the picture.”

Kelly, wearing his black shirt and pants, leaned in very close to me, and spoke just above a whisper.

“The great gift of death again stares you in your mortal eye, just like it did when you were twenty-six.” He touched the scars on his throat from his radiation therapy. “I share this gift of early announcement with you, Kogen. And I will share the smile you will carry as you and I are eaten by the great mother herself. We get to be the ones who know the simple truth: she eats every one of her children. That’s why you must not hesitate to Awaken.”

Kelly paused, and his blue eyes held mine until I had to look away for a moment. When I looked back, he spoke again. “If it comes down to it, I won’t let you suffer. We’ll have a ceremony, and I’ll take care of you myself.” He leaned even closer. “You have my word.”

For a long moment we held eye contact, and then he sat back. “Of course, I plan on you outliving me by at least several decades, and I expect the same courtesy.”

“Now, more ale?” He topped off my glass from the large bottle in front of me.

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